Introduction
Something I dreaded having to do since learning my mother was emotionally abusive towards me in 2021 from counselors ...
I'm officially no contact with her as of May 5, 2025.
The truth I was afraid to speak about because I wanted to protect her feelings or her seeing it and getting bad mouthed, I no longer have to be afraid about since we won't be talking anymore. I was also afraid the hospital would use it against me, but it was the hospital that harmed me in 2021.
I ended up including toxic household members and her ex in a separate post so it wasn't even longer.
How it started:
I decided to call her to say hi. The call went well until it unintentionally hit the topic of 2021. It was something she posted, she said
she didn't that it was my sister, and I didn't believe her since she's said she didn't do something many times when she did. I chose to end the call without saying anything further so it wouldn't be a arguement, I didn't want or need that, I have been going through a rough time worrying about my cat after she got surgery.
Should've known my mom wouldn't let it go, she never does. It's always how the other person she wants to argue with (yell at) is never allowed to retort even in the most gentlest of voices. I learned long ago since childhood you just shut up and let her yell out, break your stuff, stomp after you upstairs, punch walls, but never attempt to argue.
She started writing long negative texts unprovoked, one of them saying how I need to choose to either forget everything that happened (how she treated me) and move on or she won't speak to me anymore because she can't handle being made out as the bad guy when she thinks she did nothing wrong, and that I'm the one that couldn't take responsibility and I'm the one this and that.
Similar to back when my counselor gave me the (wrong) advice to tell her how I felt about how she treated me without being confrontational or saying it blamey. It proved to me she hadn't changed, she refuses to even self reflect on how she treated me, and instead chose once again to go full attack mode via text blaming me (the victim) instead. She once again used things I told her (cuz she's my mom, you think can trust them until they emotionally black mail you with it like ninja stars) against me. She also said how things I told the hospital could've gotten her son (ex-wife's son that she was tricked into believing her ex-wife had been raped and so she chose to take care of him like her own, and got custody sometime during COVID so he lived with us), taken away or my sister and her baby.
I literally did nothing wrong ... but she was saying during intense physical and emotional abuse by the hospital, who on top of that, illegally gave me strong anti-psychotic meds that I didn't need that affected my heart and overall wellbeing, so I accidentally told them (after days of being held against my will) that yes she use to be a drunk, and told them a few minor things like when I was under 11 she had crawled into my bed (I still remember the covers, Pocahontas), raised her fist at me and made a motion towards my face as she shook her fist at me, telling me if she ever found out I ever hit another person she will knock me out. I remember being very afraid and confused.
She doesn't know I told them but she knows it was something because the hospital illegally violated my privacy by telling her (wrongly,) that she was the reason I was in the hospital due to abuse. I was not in the hospital due to abuse they were just blaming someone outside the hospital in a attempt to not get sued or be held liable. It was food poisoning, completely unrelated to any shape or form of what they had told her over the phone. I didn't even know they were claiming abuse, or that my mom was abusive (until counselors outside of the hospital when discussing how the hospital treated me), because they never told me, They told the one person you shouldn't if you suspect abuse. And then yes, she was extremely emotionally abusive to me after they called and told her that.
Our relationship never recovered because she started yelling at me for doing boundaries, calling me names, saying I was throwing her under the bus and telling everyone that she was abusing me (I wasn't, I just never told her I was going to see a counselor). Called me a bitch, stomped her foot at me many times and held up her hand saying not to talk to her when I was literally not talking to her and she would yell it as I just walked upstairs with my food back to my room with my cat. She always refused to say I love you or hug me, even when I really really needed it. My cat was my only solace. I had no one in my home other than my cat show me any sort of warmth (besides my sister's baby).
No contact:
I've been told multiple times about my mom's behaviour, how toxic it was, and to know that is not normal behaviour and unfortunately she will never ever change. But unlike a abusive boyfriend or girlfriend they don't teach you about parental abuse that isn't obvious (like physical). And certainly not how to distance yourself so you don't feel guilty about it, especially when the parent told you on a loop how great they ever treated you and that you had food on the table even during their drug usage and that at least your needs were met, etc. Or society tells you because they are your parent you're not allowed to cut ties for your wellbeing. It's so frowned upon, and you already feel guilty even when you're told you shouldn't, you do, cuz you're raised to centre your entire life around their needs, never your own, and if you do you are punished for it by them.
I know this will tough to navigate. My Tiktok feed 2021+ had been videos of Narcissistic parents, and no contact, but I just watched but never thought of taking that step. Deep down I think I held onto that she could learn, grown, be better especially now that I don't live with her. But she hasn't ... and it's easy to forget when you are constantly living in the centre of it 24/7 anymore. I would be reminded by things she said, or things she would do to my sister.
I cried really hard after our last phone call because I knew deep down I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't put up with her behaviour towards me any longer, for the remainder of my life. I just couldn't. And of course she goes right to the nasty untrue statements like, bet you wouldn't care if I died, you hate me, etc, etc. It always goes straight to somehow she is "dying" when she isn't, whenever she knows she pushed something to far but is too stubborn to not do it or apologize. She's been "dying" or threatening suicide since I was a child. Always morbid talk when she got mad or pushed too far.
My mom giving me the ultimatum of either forget everything wrong I did to you, or not talk to me, then of course I chose for my mental wellbeing, which is not to talk to her. I told her previously when she had said "I thought we were passed that," I had said then, and again, that no I never forgot how you treated me, I never will, it will always be with me. But I never threw it in her face, if she did something triggering, I wouldn't text her (I never got a break, even when counselors advised I try, she texted every day, funnily enough when I moved she had said she never would text or call me again for moving) or if a show or something triggered a bad memory I wouldn't say anything. I never brought it up.
Hard but it's good for me. I just know with this hospital small claims stuff, she won't want to be a witness for me anymore, because she's mad. I don't know if she might try to sabotage it by refusing to answer truthfully if I am forced to send her a court document making it mandatory for her to attend.
Honestly I think what she was really mad about was me progressively standing up for myself with boundaries by finally saying what I couldn't while living there. She hated the new boundaries (like only taking care of myself during recovery from hospital abuse while living there) I started such as not cooking every day for everyone else but myself only and locking my room door, she ended up saying I had changed and she hated it. Counselors told me what she really hated was that I wasn't doing everything she wanted anymore and she hated the boundaries and was going to continue to try to trample them.
A few years ago after moving out, I went no contact with my cousin and told my mom. But I have been working my way towards her ex-wife's son, whom I never wanted in my life, and like everyone else, she never gave me a choice who was in my life. I will explain briefly more on that decision in this post. But I had told her March 2025 that I no longer wanted him in my life and he is old enough now not to need me to pretend to say I love you and be forced to. My mom has bad tantrums towards people who say anything negative about him, even saying they don't want him over, it's what caused her to end it with her life long adult friend. She brought it up again in her ultimatum rant about how everything is on me and not her, saying she couldn't believe I would do that. I've always always wanted to ... I was just never in a safe enough space to speak it out. And in doing so she did this and lashed out at me. She never knew my feelings, or me, the person, because I was never allowed to be honest or cared for regarding my feelings.
(Pre-Hospital) Abuse:
My mom was a drunk for half my life. It made me hate the smell of booze, and not like being around drunk people. She would like to go out and party a lot and leave me with babysitters even though I wanted my mom and couldn't reach her. She was always busy hanging with her drinking buddies. It made it worse when she got together with her (now) ex-wife who liked to party hard and lived to torment me because she believed I was in her way to having my mom all to herself and most times my mom would believe the made up shit she said. Made me feel alone. They also left open booze all over, her ex left beer, so as a kid I tried it, realized how disgusting it was and never touched it again. Never touched alcohol since, been called "boring" because I refuse to. Homemade kombucha is my jam.
I witnessed a lot of violence. Not just from my mom but the company she kept ever since I can remember. And I mean like people pushing each other down the stairs, fist fights, knife fights, etc. It wasn't pleasant.
One time my mom got drunk and had her top off, and was hiding behind the chair. She told me to toss her a shirt as she held a knife in her hand. I stayed on the phone with a then-friend so she could hear everything in case my mom hurt me with the knife. I don't know exact ages I was, so I know I wasn't in high school yet, it was middle school but I was a teen. My mom came towards me holding the knife too close to me, swinging it back and forth and almost cutting my arm with it as she held onto my arm. I don't recall why, she was just drunk. She chased someone with it and I was fine. I went back up to my room immediately after.
She always punched holes in the wall, I won't repeat about the shaking fist story I already mentioned. But she punched holes next to my head (or my sister's) when she got mad. She was always angry, short fuse. She would break stuff, specifically mine (unless she was mad at my sister, then her's like her tray she one time broke it over her knee). She would chase me up the stairs if I tried to get out of her rage or want for a argument, knowing I wouldn't be allowed to say anything. So I never did, I would just be quiet, go to my room, stay in my room where I felt safe. But she would almost break down my door, ever since I was a kid if I closed it to try to get her to stop because it was terrifying. Deep down I always knew that, it just became my whole life, it was normal, so.I didn't know what I know today.
Lots of gaslighting, manipulating things to the narrative she wanted not what was actually true. Won't go into that since that's sort of a basic emotional abuse thing. But in all honestly witnessing my mom being together with her ex-wife I 100% thought I would never be emotionally abused like that because I knew what it looked it. What I didn't realize was I already was in a relationship that was abusive, I just didn't know it was my own mom, since you aren't taught what's healthy, what's not.
Looking back on it I suppose it wasn't normal for her to tell a child all their life that they were afraid to give birth to them because they thought they were going to grow up to be a monster like their sperm donor ("dad" that I haven't met since they were together and have no photos of or care to find out about). Or that the sperm donor would boil them alive on the stove top like they threatened to do if she ever had their child. She told me this alot, she said many things insinuating molestation as a baby or worse that involved hospitals and tubes, and that he pushed baby me down the stairs. If I wasn't behaving how she wanted she would pretend like I was a horrible person that was going to become just like the sperm donor. She did this to me as a pre-teen when I proudly showed her a cool graphic of a sparkly panda that had blood or something like paint splash, and she said she's scared that I like something like that, that I shouldn't because it makes her think I'm just like the sperm donor. I never once did anything to warrant this fake fear to make me feel bad to behave how she wanted or not like things I like. Meanwhile she is going around collecting knives and being violent and always getting in fights with people. I didn't understand how she could compare me to him especially when she told me how he beat her while pregnant with me and that's how I got my heart murmur. She was comparing her child to a real monster just to make me feel bad for liking a panda. Hypocritical when she was actually doing physically violent things all the time.
Yes Child Protective Services was called a few times on my mom about me or my sister. But she always told me if I told the truth (especially about how heavy of a drinker she was) that I would be taken away and go to a very bad family that would hurt me. So to go ahead and see where that got me. So I never told them the truth. And if my mom ever got fed up with having a kid, she always threatened to send me to my grandma. I loved my grandma, I don't think there was anything wrong with her, but in my child mind, being told that, it was being told your mom doesn't want you or love you anymore and you're not good enough. You will be abandoned. She did the same thing to my sister, only she threatened to give her to her dad (who is not a good "dad", already abandoned her, didn't want her born, and was a huge pervert feeling up our asses when hugs and pretending it was a accident and saying disgusting remarks about underage me that if he can't have the mom then he should have the daughter). And when CPS got called for my sister, she made the same threats, and because my sister had anxiety and stuff she was scared to say anything.
Besides typical spankings there was only one time I can recall that she hit me. She physically slapped me in the face once at 13 because she thought I was talking back. I had a brief moment of realization where that was wrong, and she shouldn't hit me, and I should allow her to hit me again. She didn't though, I think she noticed a change that I wasn't going to let her do it again. I would've said something.
My mom always threatened to go back to drinking if I ever left, like one time I had told my sister I wanted to move (I've wanted to leave since I was 13), and mistake on my part because she went and told my mom and my mom freaked out saying if I did she would drink again. So my sister was always told if I left she would have to deal with her being drunk which frightened her into them both making me feel like I couldn't leave. I asked my sister once why she would tell mom, and she said cuz she was afraid to be alone. It made me feel unloved, it wasn't I would miss you, or anything else, it was just fear of being stuck with mom, or being alone. Fear isn't love.
Eventually my mom turned to threatening suicide if I left. Strongest when my sister briefly ran away with her abusive ex. My mom really targeted all her unhealthy rage towards me. She needed me to say something to the landlord over the phone, but to my mom I didn't do a good enough job, so when I hung up she had a physical hissy fit hitting the bed and raging out then followed me out into the hall yelling at me how I messed everything up, and then punched a hole in the bathroom door next to my head. I said I'd fix it, and I did by calling back. She was fine after that. To keep myself from thinking about that day I hung up a Halloween poster that covered it. Not sure if this was 2020 or 2019 it happened.
She must have sensed I really wanted a way out, and was going to call around to find out how to find housing, when she came into my room and told me to follow her to her room. Instead of apologizing for her actions, she just said she was suicidal and I was the only one keeping her from doing it because I needed her. I didn't tell her that wasn't true, I never tell her when something she believes is true isn't like that especially when it's something like suicide and would just hurt her feelings to know the truth. But it made me feel like I wasn't allowed to leave once again, because this time it was suicide she was threatening with. It changes depending how bad she messed up or how angry she was, it was either drinking, running away, suicide, or acting like she was dying soon when she wasn't. Ironically that day she told me she had said she was considering going to the hospital to get a break. But that was just words. She was back to the same stuff again the next day.
She always took out her bottled feelings and rage out on me especially during the time she was with her ex-wife. She would hide when they were back together. One day I only found out because I gave her my manuscript to read, and she said she was excited to read it. But she didn't get through half of it and then never touched it again, even though she said she loved it. I wondered if it was because she had told me before she doesn't like reading, but I thought my work was different. It turned out it had nothing to do with not liking books or me, she stopped reading it because she was busy sneaking around with ex-wife again and I became the back burner. It hurt me, not gunna lie, to know she didn't even try to read something I was so proud of and willing to share with her, all because she wanted to hang around her abusive ex instead.
This isn't the first time she's shown me she either didn't believe in me, or didn't care enough about something I worked hard on and was willing to share with her. When I first started writing she told me to "get a real job" because she didn't believe in me, she told me she didn't think I was serious. Then when she realized I was, she still didn't care enough about my hard work unless it was something she foreseen for me, like when I did art for a hobby, but she wanted me to do it full time not a hobby, and I didn't want that.
Since didn't even notice that the usb I leant her for my manuscript was gone and never asked again to see my work or the newest ones I was writing and outlining. It made me realize, there's no point in sharing her what I do, she doesn't care... the only time she cared was when I was a teen and knew she wanted money and was going to enter a singing competition and when they asked why, instead of saying it was because I love music, it was "so I can support my mom" cause I knew that's what she wanted... and she was so happy when I said that at the time.
I will learn from my mistakes, everything I do, if she ever finds out about them, it wouldn't be from me. And she will no longer have a right to them, I don't need faked support if I get successful. I want the real one. I guess that's why people have fans.
I noticed around 2020 my mom was doing drugs, sneaking off to the basement and there was a awful smell and she would like so strung out like she couldn't walk properly and her eyes were always like she was tired and couldn't open them and wasn't speaking proper. I didn't want to make her look bad in front of the rest of the household especially with her ex's son living with us, so I did my best on my own to try to gently tell her I know she is taking something, and I am here for her if she needs help, no judgment I just want her to get better. That resulted in her flying into a fit of rage, which I figured was a mix result of embarrassment of being caught, and also drugs. She said a lot of hurtful things and how she wasn't but I just ignored it and left. Later on she said she was and that she would stop seeing the drug friend she was hanging with and getting it from. I had seen a weird pipe thing in her room, but I don't do drugs so I wasn't sure what sort she was doing. She did eventually stop, though I don't know if she just stopped while at home and did it at someone else's home. And she raged on me in 2021 when I got back from the hospital, seen her face and thought she was on drugs again and told my sister. My mom raged about how I was just trying to turn my sister against her, etc, same stuff, when I wasn't, I thought it was time for my sister to know because I wasn't in the right space to take care of someone else, I needed to take care of myself.
Financial Abuse:
No one taught me how social assistance once you turn 18 was meant to be for only you, or how it worked, or anything about social housing (something I wish I knew at 13 as I wanted to leave since I was 13 but smart enough to know not possible without money and didn't know about housing). My mom kept my social assistance on her cheque by listing me as a dependent. I didn't know what that meant, and I had no reference so I thought this was normal for living with your parent. We lived in a small town so it was extremely hard to get a job, even when I applied to literally everywhere the one time my horrible cousin did something to almost make us all homeless and refused to fix it. So my mom made it up to me, not my cousin or anyone else, to try to prevent that. Thankfully it worked out in the end.
I only realized how much my mom was getting for me and blowing on smokes, gambling, bingo, etc, later on when my then-worker accidentally separated me from her cheque. My mom screamed at me and had a fit and demanded I call to get it fixed, but I told her it can't be fixed. I didn't get what the big deal is, I felt bad and did try to fix it but couldn't. Then when I got my first direct cheque I seen all this time I could've been getting wet food, etc for my cat, and food for myself instead of using GST for my cat. It really upset me. Then my mom set rent now it was separated but she upped it past what she was suppose to. Again, I didn't know, I only realized after paying more and more that 2021 during tax time, she screamed at me again, saying I shouldn't be doing my own taxes without telling her first. Because she only pays "x" amount for rent, and I wasn't allowed to put the actual amount I was giving her. She threw such a horrible tantrum, made me feel like garbage, and berated me for being proud of myself for doing taxes myself for the first time because it was COVID times when library's didn't do it that year.
In 2021 my eyes were seeing the truth about what was said about her, especially how it seemed it was all about control over me. But I was still mildly in denial cuz my whole life was about protecting her and being emotionally there for her, etc. The way she was basically meant to be for me. But I did see that she was about money, not about caring about how I felt. Punched a hole in the bathroom over money, screamed at me for taxes because money, was upset I would be moving out and she would no longer be getting more money. Upset when this year my sister finally gets to move but when she first was told she asked my sister to wait until she could pay off her debts first.
I was worried after the hospital incident that my mom would lie and use it as a way to have some sort of conservativeship over me. Because when my sister had moved out, she told me she wanted to do that to my sister stating my sister wasn't financially responsible and couldn't care for herself so she should look into it and be the over-seer of her money. That was a moment that scared me, because it wasn't the first time she mentioned doing something like that to someone she is suppose to love.
My mom also said she wanted to do it to my cousin, saying she can't take care of herself, can't even bathe herself, and she should get forms to say she has guardianship over her and her finances. Now my cousin is different, it's true she doesn't bathe, and is horrible with money, but my mom has said she wanted to claim basically everyone but her, as being unfit to handle finances and care for themselves alone.
Her most recent 2025 statement was about her son from her ex-wife. I suggested she have him put in for social housing now cuz it's a waitlist of like a decade now so he should get a place of his own before his 30's. But instead she said he can't care for himself and she is thinking of writing that instead. I asked what a example was, and she told me him not caring about his outfit matching ... that he just pulls one out and another and doesn't care that they don't go together. Yes she has always been like that, but I found that ridiculous. When I'm lazy or in a rush, I just yank out whatever too, it's not a reason to make it so you can't have independence for youself, just because someone wants money. It was quite upsetting to hear she was still in the mentality of wanting to put someone as dependent on her and have control over finances, when it wasn't true and that they could be independent and do stuff for themselves. Like me and my sister can, and have. Unfortunately she still thinks that way about my sister, which is scary, I worry for her, even though my sister is literally moving out on her own and has her own child she takes care of. When my sister was first pregnant I didn't know at the time til my sister recently told me that my mom was going to try to get custody. I reassured her if she ever in the future tries I will attest that you are a good mom so it won't happen.
Seeing how B-Spears was treated by her own family though, I really don't want to end up like that. I'm very lucky I didn't. I'm hoping in the future that can never happen if one day I get lucky with my career after getting unstuck from my hospital trauma for so long. I should never be in a conservitorship and taken advantage of by my mom or sister or anyone else like Britney Spears was with hers. It's not right.
(After Hospital) Abuse (2021+):
I already mentioned her mis-treating me after the hospital incident in 2021. So I won't say much so not to repeat myself (I made videos, it's in the book, etc) by going into much detail. This is already long.
When I worked myself up to be brave enough to discuss the hospital abuse for the first time with my mom, specifically the male nurse who hit me, she didn't let me speak.She stopped me and started tearing up talking about her own time at the hospital. I was upset instead of being there for me, and thinking I was in a safe space where someone would hear me about something so hard to say, and be emotionally there for me, she turned it around to make it about herself instead. And she continued being like that towards me. She would shut me down and make it about herself instead.
She never let me do anything to my hair (except for when she tricked me into giving my hair red highlights because she wanted them in my hair when I was a teen and I had told her if she wants to only temporary wash out but she used permanent and said it was nicer). So I knew telling her I wanted to dye my hair would probably make her made, since she always had me keep it a specific way she liked. SHe did get mad. Even when I tried to tell her it would help me distance myself from that part that got hurt, so I can finally look in the mirror again, separating from that person. After that didn't go well, a day or two before I had a appointment to bleach my hair, she showed up with bleached hair and told me how she was glad to do it because now she feels like a completely different person. It was basically the same thing I had told her (which was very hard to do) and she had been nothing but mean towards me for wanting for myself. After I did my own hair she at one point tried to be emotionally manipulating saying how she wants me to shave off all her hair. I believe I wrote that part in my book, I'm just not positive why she wanted it. But I refused and went back to my room. I think she regretted bleaching it because her hair was thinning. At one point me, my mom and my sister were all blondes. But they didn't take my suggestion for the bleach I used so they had hair fallout issues and that caused a lot of tension specifically between my mom and sister since she had my sister do it and blamed her.
This is already long, I will stop and leave it at I was all alone, no support, waiting for emergency housing to get me out of the situation as my mom still kept her ex-wife around even though she was the reason everything happened. And moving out was not smooth.
End note
You really can pick your family. Because no matter how much they say they love you, or would be there for you, when it comes time to actually show that, you are proven no, no they don't, at least not without strings. And that is what hurts because you don't want to have it come to this, but you can't keep getting hurt and abused or mistreated.
We part ways but I do love my mom and hope she's happy, just as I truly hope I will be happy too.
