Toxic Family Dynamic:
This is a continuation to the no contact with (toxic) mom post I made. It was already way too long, so I thought it was best to split it up since these are more of the abuse or toxic situations that were happening in my household while I lived there (pre-move in 2021).
Sister's abuse (by mom):
Yes my sister was also abused. Hers was different than mine. She was physically abused via my mom picking her up and literally throwing her onto the couch when she got mad at her. Or shoving her onto the couch. She did it a lot. One time it was so strong, so bad that she threw her, that me and my cousin stood stunned, staring at one another, and I didn't know in that moment if I should call the cops, or what I would say. My cousin was the only adult (besides my mom) but I knew she wouldn't do anything because she relied on my mom for a roof over her head. My sister had a attachment disorder so being separated from my mom would've caused her mental harm too. Even though I was not old enough to take care of her if it came down to it, I knew my limits and raising a kid was not something I would've been able to do. [Later on a high school baby toy crying and screaming nonstop (it was broken) made me cry too lol.]
She got called a bitch a lot, and also emotionally abused. Each of ours was different. It's like with each child my mom got nicer to them. My mom was nicer with my sister than me (except for the random acts of throwing her or shoving her). Then she was the nicest towards her ex-wife's son. Which was extremely sad because us seeing her with him made us realize she could be kind, could be understanding, could be loving like we deserved (literally said I love you 20x a day to him but not once to us if even slightly upset), but she chose not to for us. Even would shake her fist at us threateningly if we accidentally woke her.
My mom told my sister one day something she never should've just because she was mad at her... she told her that her dad wanted her aborted when he found out that it was her that wanted her. By this time I believe he had completely stopped even attempting to see her because he didn't want to pay child support anymore, and he already wasn't in contact with his 1st born son (who didn't know he had cheated on his mom and had my sister, he thought it was me, it wasn't). He was not a good person to be in and out of her life ... but when my mom told my sister that, it really damaged her. I told her mom never should've told you that.
Mom's Ex-Wife's son:
I won't go into personal details. I'll keep it short. He's a scary kid.
I was a teen when my mom asked me if I would be his godmother if anything happened to them, and though afraid to say how I truly felt, it was the first time I told her no even though I knew it might make her upset and sad. I am so very grateful that I stood up for how I felt and said no.
My mom was tricked into raising him (her ex-wife was a abuser, violent one). She only found out a few years ago that the father the ex-wide lied about into thinking he raped her, actually was told that he would be doing a favour by being the sperm donor the old-fashioned way so the ex-wife and my mom could have a kid. So both my mom and the guy were tricked by my mom's ex-wife.
Because he was a kid, I was always kind to him, I knew his life was rough so even though I didn't mean it I told him I loved him, because it's what he needed and what my mom wanted from me. Whenever he asked if I was his sister, I told him honestly, no. But I always told him my mom was his mom.
Onto terrifying parts... I never felt safe in my home when he was there. He was prone to grabbing sharp knives to go after someone with (9/10 times was his birth mom). One day he had grabbed gardening shears to stab my mom with while I was sleeping. Thankfully my mom was saved by sister. I was always scared for our lives, especially my mom's and sister's if I was sleeping. He grabbed knives, and wouldn't threaten just one of us to stab, he threatened to stab the animals, especially the dogs because he found them too loud.
He never grew out of the threatening bodily harm against animals though even in 2021 when he was already officially living with us under my mom's care. He sometimes would grab butter knives instead when we hid the sharp ones, and would say he would stab the dogs or cats. So I was always stressed he would kill my cat while I was sleeping. He would kick them, throw stuff at them, hit them with stuff. Even when we said something about it to my mom, she wouldn't care, she would say he's just a kid, and tell him no. But even when he was a teen and still did it, same response.
Glad for locks on my bedroom door, as he always threatened to rape everyone in the house. Even went up behind us to try to hump us. Always mentioned raping us. Again, my mom didn't care when me and my sister were really worried about this and our safety. She always forced everything, she forced my sister to become a caretaker role with him even though she already had her own child and had said she didn't want to. She was always forced to bring him with her.
He use to headbutt and punch my mom in the stomach a lot, leaving bruses and seriously injuring her, but instead of her getting angry she would just hug him or let him do it. It was hard to watch knowing how he could break a rib or send her to the hospital with the amount of times he did it. It also didn't seem fair she could actually be caring enough to give love like that but for her 2 other children, she would always take it away especially when mad. But she is a really good mom with him, and he deserves at least one.
I do wish him well, I am glad he's getting the help he needs and deserves that his birth mom refused him, but that doesn't mean I should be forced to have that violence in my life for the rest of my life too. I did my part, I made sure everytime his birth mom was being a violent drunk, I always took him to safety ever since he was really little. Honestly if my mom would've let us call police when we wanted to he probably would've gotten to a safer home sooner, but she didn't because she didn't think she could get custody of him in time.
Cousin:
I was forced to live with my cousin when my grandma died. Before she died, I was forced to hug her and hang out with her because that's what my mom wanted, but she never understood my cousin was a really mean person and I hated being forced to go see her. She blew all of my grandma's money that was meant to be towards her (grandma's) funeral for herself and made my mom have to find a way to pay for her funeral. She then sold off a bunch of stuff, and refused to give anyone grieving items they wanted to remember my grandma. She even refused to give my mom her own baby and child photos that were in grandma's photo album. She did a lot more horrible things but ...
Animal abuse was the worst to me. Besides smacking the shit out of her own dog (and not bathing or shaving her dog to the point it would be a matted mess and eventually died after I moved cuz she kept it up). To the point where her dog would yelp, really loudly. And my mom never let us say anything to her, so we had to bite out tongues in silence while she beat her dog and yanked it or we would get in trouble for saying anything and upsetting my cousin. My mom refused to listen if we had a complaint about her, we always had to put up with her and never say anything or it would upset my mom. Only time you could say anything is if she had chosen my cousin publicly (in house to us) that that was the chosen family member she was mad at and shunning that day or week.
My cousin would abuse our animals. She would hit the dogs, and abuse my cat. I was so upset, but I wasn't awake 24/7 so I couldn't protect my cat from her. I only knew she had been hit that day when I would go to pet her precious face and she would flinch away from me. It was unforgivable but once again I wasn't allowed to say anything. Even if you did, like the time I had bunnies and said stop butting your dog against their cages you're going to give them a heart attack, she would pretend like her dog was best friends with the bunnies and disregard anything you say and go sneak to continue doing it.
She specifically would hurt any animal of the person she was mad at. If my cousin was mad at my sister, it would be her dog that gets hurt, if it was me, my cat, etc. Wouldn't just be physical abuse she would also swear at them when she thought no one was listening/around. Unfortunately when my mom got mad at one of us this behaviour went even more disregarded (like after the hospital and she was mad at me, she didn't give a shit, even though she always said how much she loved my cat and obsessed with her she was, but obsession isn't love and her lack of care about my cousin abusing her showed me she didn't). My cat spent 12 hrs a day or longer in my room until it came to night time and then I couldn't protect her because my cousin was left unsupervised.
My cousin had such strange behaviour where it was like compulsive lying for no reason. She would always pretend to sleep when she wasn't sleeping, even if it was literally only me and her downstairs but the kettle was magically on. Or she would move to get up and do something thinking you didn't see it then pretend to sleep again. She loved to snoop on us. Listen in, steal our mail. For years she would steal my coupons from the mail box, even when I put dots on them to mark it and they magically showed up in her coupon book and confronted she still did it. Lots of petty theft, movies, games, mail, cash went missing. When I moved out my sister had hundreds of dollars missing, same with my mom. But again, nothing was ever done or said so she keeps doing this behaviour.
Personal note, have you ever lived with someone who refused to shower? I don't mean for a few days, I mean weeks, months, and you're not allowed to reject a hug because of how horrible that person smells, to the point it latches onto stuff sitting by her, or rooms? That was our cousin. Ever since I was a kid I remembered hating to hug her cuz it was so bad, but then we were forced to when she lived with us or my mom would yell at us. We weren't even allowed to suggest a shower or bath, not even to be polite and say "Hey I just ran a bath for you now that I'm done." I always was polite, but I would literally hold my breath if she passed me, so did my sister. And we hated when she picked up our animals because then they would smell extremely bad from her shoving them in her armpits. She wasn't good at taking care of herself, and she left bags full of garbage everywhere, mostly piled up in the basement. It was disgusting.
She was such a compulsive liar that she told everyone she quit smoking, told my mom up and down she quit smoking. But she got caught, she was really just stealing my mom's cigarette butts from cans, ashtrays, and stole smaller ones my mom put in her smoke pack, and smoked those instead. She would cry at the drop of hat if she even sensed she might be in trouble. Truly amazing how fast she could cry but then stop.
When I was in dire need of getting someone to help me during my food poisoning episode, I was in the basement, and shouted for her to go get my sister to help me. She told me to shut the fuck up. I kept trying anyways, and she said she wouldn't because she's sleeping and I need to stop and let everyone sleep. I called her a bitch, first time in my life, cuz she was and a cold one, I could've literally been dying down there and she didn't want to get help. Me banging against the ceiling and calling her a bitch once made her finally go get help, but not the help I wanted, she got my mom instead. In which all my mom did was yell and scream at me. My cousin told her I called her a bitch, but forgot to mention that she told me to shut the fuck up before that. So I said as such, in which my cousin did her fake crying thing she does to get out of trouble, and she lied saying she told the dogs to shut up but didn't say fuck. I said no you didn't yell at the dogs and you did say fuck and that yes I did call her a bitch cuz she wasn't going to get help when I needed it.
That moment really opened my eyes to how I needed to absolutely find a way to get my mom to let me to cut her out of my life. A moment I would never forget. I was a adult yet I still wasn't allowed to choose who stays in my life and cut out the abusive toxic ones.
This cousin has been out of my life since 2022 thankfully. I will never have her in my life, never wanted her in my life. Unfortunately a lot of my mom's family are really horrible, my grandma was great though and the only one I wanted to have in my life.
Mom's ex-wife:
There's too much to say, it would take a whole new blog. I'll try to keep it short.
She's very violent, she's shoved my sister before, even tried to hold onto my sister as a hostage to keep my mom at her house. But my sister is strong and my mom's ex is usually drunk or high on something so she was able to leave unharmed.
She always showed up to our house unannounced causing chaos. Physical fighting with my mom, or just to scream at her or use our bathroom to do drugs in. She scratched up my mom's neck one day trying to claw at her. There are countless times she's gotten physical, even using weapons against my mom, or went into a jealous rage over my mom's friends and hit them too.
I've had to go with my mom over to her ex-wife's house a few times to help get the son out of harm's way. I would always have to walk him back to our house so he could stay overnight or for a few hours. My mom never called the police in fear of not being able to see him or he go into the foster system. When I lived at my mom's house I'd make him food (I made my mom and them food every day too). Then his mom would pick him back up with threats and saying how my mom never cares for him and she needs more money for him, etc. But my mom was the only reason he ever had any food, shoes, or clothes, and then his birth mom would go sell off his stuff to buy drugs.
She wasn't good to me ever. When she use to live with us when I was a teen she would make up these stories saying I said this and that, and that I hated my sister, etc, when it wasn't true. It didn't matter if I literally never said a word other than hi to her, she would bring back a made up lie to my mom in attempts to make her hate me so she could have her all to herself. It was really fucked up.
I believe it was just before COVID or around when COVID started, that we had to go to my mom's ex-wife's house because her son called scared and wanted to come to our house because his sister and grandma was getting hit by his birth mom. We arrived to her ex-wife drunk, trying to choke the life out of her mom and we had to stop it. My mom didn't want me to call the cops, she wanted me take him out first and then she would call the cops. So I walked back home with him while that was dealt with.
2021 the night I got sent to the hospital my mom's ex-wife showed up at our door drunk and high on whatever again. My sister screamed my name to come down (one of them usually did when it involved her or something, my mom always said it was cuz I was the calm one). My sister said she needed help getting the ex-wife's daughter into the house for safety because she got punched in the face by her drunk mom. I could see her outside crying with deep pink-red mark on her cheek. I wasn't in shape to help recovering from food poisoning and literally being on the toilet when she had called me down. My sister got her in safely but the ex-wife wouldn't stop making threats against us, and started punching at our door window.
I didn't feel safe, and I knew my sister called the police, I physically couldn't go back up the stairs, and she was at our front door where all the coats and shoes were, so for my safety I ran out back and hid in a neighbour's yard until the police could catch her and put her in jail.
My mom's ex-wife threatened us a lot when she didn't have her way, like my mom's affections (she felt she was pulling away). Her ex-wife was very tight with a lot of drug addicts and dealers that were around the neighbourhood (it was scary where they were literally whipping out machetes and stuff and fighting in broad daylight), where she had gotten them to beat someone up. And she threatened to have them come to our house and do the same to us. The night she showed up 2021 she threatened bodily harm by getting her drug friends to break into our house if she couldn't get through.
Side-tracked thoughts on sister relationship
I did ask my sister if she still wanted to speak with me the day I went no contact with my mom. She said yes, but I'm not sure. My mom likes to get me or my sister to talk through her to one another, so I feel the few days after my sister left me on read after going no contact, the only reason my sister messaged asking about my cat was her asking for my mom. Because before my mom did the ultimatum she said she wanted to keep up to date with my cat which I had said yes until she started her mean routine again out of the blue.
But it's always been me reaching out to my sister, attempting to make connection, and it feels tiring and un-reciprocated. Most times I want to give up wondering why should I try so hard if she doesn't seem interested in trying too and either doesn't talk, leaves me on read, or gives short responses even when it's something serious. To be fair before I moved out she seemed cold towards me all the time too so we weren't close but looking back I don't know if that's because she was stressed in the house too or maybe she felt pushed to put up with me for mom. Or maybe I'm giving excuses and she never liked me. Just because we are sisters doesn't mean she has to like or even love me. And though I love my sister, we aren't close. When we've tried my mom's interference ruined it, my mom said she wanted us close but then if we tried she would seem jealous and angry and then it'd split us apart again because one of us (99% me) got punished or yelled at over nothing or she would say one of us said something about the other that wasn't true to drive a wedge again.
I'm still working on the people pleasing part, so I'll have to try harder not to care so much and stop sending my sister things I think she would like that might make her happy. It's hard when I remember two important incidents where she was there.
1) during my 2021 food poisoning/dehydration episode where I truly needed someone to believe me and be gentle with me and she did that the one night I needed her. But then I got hit with absolutely no support, love, or understanding the moment the hospital happened and I was home, so it feels like they cancelled one another out. And when someone does one kind thing you appreciate during a dark time, but then contribute to more pain right after during another dark time, it gets oh so confusing because they just did both a huge positive then a huge negative. And then later on made the witness affidavit for me, which I super appreciated for my case against the hospital.
Then 2) was when my apartment had the fire in August 2024. After my apartment fire happened my sister was really supportive and less hot and cold. She even spent 5 hours cleaning the damages with her bf (I appreciated that so very much). But sometimes I just don't know what she wants. If I'm wasting both our times trying to continue reaching out first all the time and dragging things along. If she feels forced to talk to me or have any relationship with me because she felt forced by our mom (again mom punished if it wasn't her desired happy sibling close bond she envisioned).
Besides me being the one attempting communication, my sister has said hurtful things to me or about me knowing I could hear her. My mom and sister said that her baby didn't start talking until I got back from the hospital, then she was speaking and giggling all the time. So my sister knew how I felt about her baby after the hospital in 2021, that I loved her and that she was literally the only human in my household to give me any sort of positive loving reaction, and if it wasn't for her baby girl, I never would've seen another smiling human face towards me during such a dark dark time after the mutliple assaults and battery I endured and the abuse I endured by the Chatham-Kent hospital and staff (and all the non-physical abuse I was enduring at home afterwards at home). So she had told my mom (before I moved out) that she doesn't want me to be able to see her baby anymore. Which really hurt. Alot. That ball of happy sunshine, the only one that seemed to genuinely be happy to see me, she didn't want me to. There was no reason for it other than she was mad at me, and my mom was mad too. Because that's how the toxic household worked. Mom was mad at 'x' person, so that person was basically shunned or everything you were ever upset about them that you weren't allowed to say because my mom wasn't going to hear it, would all come out when my mom was mad at that person. It was not a good time to be that person just because I was suffering, healing, and for the first time in my life learning what boundaries were and absolutely no one liked that since it meant I wasn't cooking for everyone anymore, or cleaning for everyone, and focusing on only my meals and my dishes, my cat, because I could only do that and nothing more while I was suffering more than I had ever suffered in my life ... alone.
After I moved out in 2021, my sister told me she hopes her daughter never gets attached to me. To this day I don't know if she meant because it would be too difficult to travel 20 minutes from where she lived to where I lived... or it's as simple as it was said. She's told me I should be the one to get hit by a car instead of her because she has a child and I don't (she said this about who should walk on the sidewalk closest to the cars on the road at night). I have old music lyrics that tell me how I felt growing up and how I was treated, and that I had just ended up normalizing, so it's not like I didn't know where I stood with my family, I just forgot to recognize I wasn't ever treated how I deserved to be, and be loved unconditionally, but I'm not and I wasn't.
Last year my sister had told me her family was her, her kid, and her bf, but it didn't include me or mom ^^;. It hurt, and I believe she 100% means that. I was just there, in the house, no different than she was made to be with a sudden cousin, or a sudden new mom's son from her ex wife. I wonder if my sister forgets I've been there for her, do my best to offer support, love both her and her daughter, offered refuge if she needed it, said I would be happy to be at her wedding if she had one, and have been there for her when it got hard between her and my mom and she had said I was the only one that understood about it. But it doesn't make me feel good to try and feel mistreated or underappreciated. It hurts. And I'm trying to figure out what type of relationship I should have with her. Is it basic and minimal where I learn to not share really anything anymore since it doesn't seem to matter anyways. She has been in town and never visted. Even when I always offer to have her do something fun she would like (VR) that she doesn't have somehow it's still not enough and she still won't.
Will I one day just have no contact at all? Because the actions I've seen haven't said anything other than wanting distance but working on how to tell me without worrying about my mom. I mean my own mom blew up at me and did the whole no contact ultimatum literally 2 weeks before my birthday, so ... other than being upset about not knowing any detail at all about me or my cat because of her control issues, I don't think my mom would care.
I can't worry about my sister just never wanting me to see her daughter again if she one day decides she's mad at me again (like maybe she finds this blog where I'm sharing a bit of how I feel and how I've been treated, or my book). It's her daughter, she can do what she wants. I've never ever wanted kids, never will. I do love her kid she's a cute happy mini version of her except one that liked me lol (my sister's first words were "I hate you" all the time so it was actually really rough since I got the silent treatment from my mom where she wouldn't say I love you, and then my sister saying she hates me, and then my mom's ex wife being a manipulative and violent bitch and my mom taking it out on me, so I've pretty much felt unloved for a very very long time, I don't remember the exact age, 12?13?).
I'm sure my sister will say whatever story she wants about me to her kid, and it will be believed. And because she's young she will forget about me for sure. It's why I wonder if I shouldn't bother anymore so it doesn't mess her kid up wondering where that person went. I already don't get offers to say hello to her or anything, and I've tried to do video calls with my sister just to say hi to my sister but I'm typically good with reading (at least my family's) emotional expressions because of how I grew up, so I could tell though she didn't say it she didn't seem to want to be on the call so I haven't done it since saying happy bday, or the one emergency asking about my cat.
I did tell my sister that I had mentioned briefly how no one in the house was supportive of me or treated me kindly when I got back from the hospital (including my sister) to my mom. She didn't say anything. Is it wrong I was hoping for a apology ... or anything? It wasn't the first time I lightly scratched that surface and gave her a chance to reciprocate after telling me how she didn't want to be like our mom. I had previously apologized to her for any behaviour that may have upset her while I had food poisoning and dehydration (even though I knew I didn't have to because I was sick, but there had seemed to be so much hate towards me when I got back I just felt I should.). I even apologized when I realized how toxic our family dynamic was and that my (survival) responses were usually to be numb and not react. I wasn't expecting anything in return about my sister's behaviour, and I didn't get anything. But I was trying to grow as a person, even if that means no one else is willing to grow with me.
I even tried to share knowledge I had about food banks, programs, housing programs like social housing, utility programs, how things worked, etc, that I wish I knew way before I was a adult and things got to the point they did, because I knew she wasn't taught any of it by my mom either. In fact she had asked me saying our mom didn't want to tell her about how to get a voucher for a mattress and furniture for moving out, and that mom was trying to keep her in the house instead of moving out in 2025 because mom wanted to have her debts paid off first.
My mom once told my sister her piercings were ugly, I spoke up and told her no they are beautiful and she is beautiful, which gave my sister the confidence to agree instead of remaining with her head down and shoulders slumped like she truly believed she was ugly when she absolutely never has been anything more than beautiful. But ... no one spoke up for me. I was always alone it's why I stayed in my room, and pets were my only emotional comfort and honestly they were always my #1 family member. I actually felt loved by them, unconditionally.
I don't share what I work on with my sister either, it really hasn't been a interest for her, other than previous paintings I've done for my hobby (I gave what was left to her and my mom). I'll leave my future music/writing projects to any possible fans as my support who are there because they like it on their own, not family who may feel obligated to pretend, which I wouldn't want, and I need to have the freedom to speak out and be creative without that barrier.
I wasn't going to write about my sister, even this little honest bit about how she treated me and my feelings on it ... and I constantly feel the need to edit it or make it so she doesn't sound bad because it's not like she's a bad person or anything like that. But then I remembered I wrote about how she treated me in my book, though I think I may have polished it a bit to make her look better just because I, again was conflicted, I felt grateful for the one positive action she did (believing me, which helped me) but I was still suffering from what she did after that ... back to the toxic family dynamic of ice coldness. And because she was my sister. But her fear of being alone doesn't equate to loving me, and certainly never missing me ... I've known since she said it when we were kids (that she feared being alone if I moved out, never that she loved me or would miss me just fear and not wanting to be alone with my mom who threatened to drink again), and she said it again as adults. I'm not her therapist so I'm not going to tell her, or that her fear is inhibiting her enjoying a better life elsewhere (she wanted to move where I was because she said she felt she could breathe better and felt happier, until one day I told her I applied elsewhere and wouldn't always be in the same town especially after the fire, and she changed her mind because I wouldn't be there so she decided to be where mom was to not be alone). And it's not like I'm her either, so I could be wrong, she could be both fearful and love me in her own way which to me feels ... like I'm not loved.
I still wish her the best in her future, whatever may happen between us. I just don't want to be hurt anymore, I'm so tired of being hurt and lied to, or taken for granted. The whole "family comes first" thing is really a bad toxic motto when you don't see what happens behind closed doors. We can all be happy, separately. If that's what it has to be.
